moving house – Chapter 4

The beauty of getting lost

Thursday evening was beautiful. The sun was shining and the heat was building up in the car, I probably should have put the roof down – but I was on the motorway, so it was too late. I was playing some of my favourite music, Rag n Bone man, on repeat. I recently went to one of his concerts and I am proud to say I knew ever lyric – I could have stood in for him if needed …. well apart from the fact I don’t have his amazing voice, and the audience would have been mightily disappointed! I love the soul and power of his voice and his lyrics touch me deep inside.

This week has been a weird and tiring one. My son was due to make his first visit to me this weekend – but he got Covid and so was unable to come, this has really upset me, and I’ve shed a few tears. I have some ongoing admin stuff to work through with my siblings which has also been very draining, and I’ve been toying with lots of things in my head. So, as I started the drive, I was tired and deep in thought.

I knew Thursday’s route reasonably well. With the sun shining, the scenery seemed even stronger than usual, the hills even larger and I was driving mulling over issues, against a backdrop of ‘wow this place’ is so beautiful thoughts running through my head. The traffic was fairly light, it usually is on this stretch, and I drive fairly slowly. I’m not a great lover of speed (in any aspect of my life) and definitely not on a motorway … feeling the pressure of someone driving on my tail really stresses me, I soon get hot, flustered and so I prefer to stay in the inside and slower lanes.

After a while I had this slight nagging thought – where am I ? do I usually drive into this range of incredible hills, what signs am I looking for. It was a slightly scary thought – not as in I’m lost, but more a wow where have I metaphorically been… and I’m driving a car – how can I have such little awareness of my route … but yet at the same time I did.

We talk about auto-pilot, but this was more about being fully absorbed, I was in the ‘flow’ .. I realised that my mind had dropped all my worries and contemplations I was (as Wiki would define it) ‘fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full enjoyment in the process’ and as a result something weird happened to time (again according to Wiki) ‘transformation in one’s sense of time’. I was no longer driving home.. I was absorbing and feeling the beauty of my surroundings, I felt rewarded and ‘filled’ by this. Then a moment of panic, I began to wonder and worry about my driving during this time, had I been safe .. but no one had beeped at me, I was still in the same line, at the same speed – yes, I think I was safe.

A sign appeared on the motorway – I was not where I should be, I had never been this far before on this motorway. As I headed towards the exit I realised that I was not one, but two junctions past mine, and when I checked later this equated to, 20 miles off course. 20 minutes in the complete flow of driving and connecting to the surroundings. I began to doubt myself again – had I drifted off, but no it was the hills I was in those hills.

I got off the motorway, did a full 360 and got straight back on in the correct direction. I switched off my CD and focused hard for signs – I needed to get home.

As I drove back fully attentive for road signs, I had a huge realisation. I may not be fully settled in my job, I still miss good friends and family, but I realised I could never fully leave this area.

Five months ago, when I moved up I was nervous, unsure and convinced that I would return to Warwickshire. At the time I told myself as much as others, that I would aim to do at least a year and then see how I feel, and at the same time I gave myself permission to not stay if it was not right. Now after 5 months here, I realise that what most people say is so true ‘once you come to the lakes you never leave’.

That evening I realised I can’t let go of the beauty, this ‘living on the edge of opportunity’ feeling, the lakes, the hills, the nature, the fresh air, green algae and all – this is now in my lifeblood.

Would I have realised this if I had not got lost… I don’t know, I don’t need to know. I know that I need to get a base here, I may not always live here, but I need a base so I can choose to stay here or visit here as and when I want.

I’ve signed up with the estate agents…. let’s see what happens now.

My summer of swims

I moved to the lakes a few months ago. There were many reasons for this; firstly and largely happenstance – which is conveniently one of my life themes.. but the enticement of the environment certainly played its part.

I love nature, open skies, great views, hills to climb, fresh air, and as I’m increasingly realising I love to swim. I always knew I liked it, but I’d never really had the opportunity to fully explore this part of me. I’d always had a hankering to live by the coast; this was a secret part of me which I might mention in passing in a flippant way – not really taking it seriously even in myself.

I remember discussing it once with my brother. He seemed to relate to it, he has a dream of buying a second home in Cornwall, he’s clear it has to be Cornwall, but we talked about the realities and challenges of finding somewhere on the UK coast that’s a) not too pricey, b) is not too remote and c) is ok in the winter, many of our coastal towns have become very run down and quite rough ( I hate using that word as its laden with judgment) but I suppose places I may not always feel comfortable in. Having said that Covid has changed things, Covid has revitalized remote parts so my perception may very well not be reality.

I moved to the Lakes from Warwickshire, which is a pretty county, but flat and one of the UK’s most inland areas; not a glimpse of a lake or coast line. However not too far from me was a huge reservoir which was my happy place. That reservoir knew a lot about me,,,, I walked it on my own, with friends, with family. I walked it when I was happy and often when I was sad. That reservoir knew and felt my grief at the loss of my parents, it knew the too-ings and fro-ings of my relationships, it knew the stress of my job. It listened like a close friend, it never judged, it just provided that safe space to think, to feel, to breathe and cry.

And in answer to that well known lyric ‘ where do you go to my lovely when you’re alone in your bed?’ …. I often imagine myself walking slowly into the sea. A blue sea with gentle waves, the early morning sun shinning with its rays fanning out across the entire horizon, I walk slowly in, its the perfect temperature, I am surrounded by and feel decidedly at peace in that sea…

From a psychological view my love of the sea and swimming is perhaps slightly surprising as I almost drowned as a toddler. Being the youngest of 4 children, I was always playing ‘catch up’ – I’m sure other youngest ones can relate to this. I was always walking behind, falling behind, running behind and often left behind, those painful words ‘ you’re too young ……’ echoing in my ears.

One year, holidaying in Dorset, I followed the older ones down to the sea, my parents resting slightly higher up the beach. It was a long beach and the deep sea was a long way out, so we could play relatively safely in the shallows. One minute I did that, the next I fell and I was suddenly flailing in the shallows as the waves came in, and in and then the 7th wave turned me, washed me and threw me back into the sea. My siblings were oblivious squealing with delight as the waves had become more exciting. My eagle eyed mum was suddenly tearing down the beach and swiftly grabbed me, as I choked, spluttered and started coughing up the salty sea. I was fine, but my mum did admit years later that it could have been serious if she’d not got there in time.

So despite that early experience, from which perhaps the only remnants are a slight aversion to swimming under water, I love swimming. And this summer I have been able to follow this passion… I swim in tarns, lakes, rivers, I swim once or twice a day. I get in I sigh, I smile, I swim, I get out and I often want to get straight back in again…

I have been trying to understand why swimming gives me so much joy. We spend a lot of time in our lives working out how to avoid or to recover from the bad, or painful, I’ know that I personally have not spent enough time understanding why something makes me so happy and then seeing how I can extract and replicate this elsewhere.

I am still in the early stages of exploring the positive emotions swimming delivers and why, but here are my initial musings on the joy of wild swimming:

Immersing yourself in water is like receiving a huge hug, every part of you is caressed, held and supported
Temperature dependent, the water makes your skin tingle or relax
Swimming is such a beautiful rhythmic exercise, one feels almost balletic gliding through the water
Watching the water part as you reach forward in breast stroke is like opening up the world
Swimming alongside water lillies and under the bough of a tree toward the setting sun, is the perfect way to connect with nature …..
And so much more ……

Have you ever really thought about why you love what you love?

So how did I get here?

There’s a song in there somewhere.

Just over 4 months I crammed a small selection of my worldly possessions ( I am never going to be that minimalist poster girl) into my small convertible and headed north… At the time I was houseless and jobless or footloose and fancy free – depending upon what’s important to you.

I joined the M6, one of the many soulless motorways in the UK, sat nav on, CDs playing (yes you did read CD!) and headed north to the lake district. A mix of trepidation, exhaustion, excitement and sheer relief as just an hour earlier I could neither close my boot or put the roof back down, and I had thoughts of hire car flashing through my mind. But somehow it all just fitted, the roof and boot closed and off I went. Most of the journey I was in that zombie driving state where I intersperse routinely checking speed, mirrors, ahead, behind ( back off big lorry why do you have to get so near!) with moments of singing, basic thoughts such as when will I eat/ stop for the loo. It was far from being a wistful moment of reflection.

The journey went pretty well and I began to pick out familiar landmarks around the lakes – which are unbelievably stunning, and then I landed, physically anyway.

I had taken a new job in a charity, on a beautiful lakeside estate with a house to rent included. Sounds idyllic – but I knew no-one…. but I was still feeling very rough after Covid… but the day I arrived it was grey and drizzly and there was no real welcome (maybe I expect too much)….

I opened the door of my new little house, I was literally opening the chapter on my new life. At this stage I was not fearful, I had rationalized any fears with a ‘ if you hate it you just leave’ mantra, and knowing there is always a room for me at my brothers….

The house was furnished, nothing fancy and way too much grey, but furnished. The the main thing I initially noticed was – oh boy was it cold! Still March, old slate built, no real insulation. I whacked the heating up, I found my chocolate (I’m never far away from some), sat down and breathed long and hard… well this is it! No turning round now, although my mantra is ‘I can go back’, I’d also committed to giving it a year.

I now had a house of my own, I was starting a job in two days… I was rejoining those established social norms distilled into me since a child – I’m not saying they are right but they are definitely there! One thought creeped into my mind – had I actually been brave enough..?

4 months prior when I’d idly typed ‘jobs in Cumbria’ into the Guardian jobs search engine I’d wanted a change, I’d wanted excitement and this ticked many boxes but there was just a whisper in my ear….. ‘had I been brave enough?’

I promised myself I’d write

It’s been an unbelievably long time since I’ve blogged… I’ve thought about it, I’ve had great ideas and catchy titles, I’ve reminded myself how much I enjoy it and also that blogging is a step forward in the right direction – but it still hasn’t happened.

I’ll admit I’m a very undisciplined person, I regularly have chocolate for breakfast, don’t tidy my room, procrastinate and put things off… but even for me this has been extreme. Why do we not find time for things we enjoy? its like not wearing the best dress, not using the new coat (I’m currently doing this). Its almost as if the idea is so special we like to keep it that way, or is it that I’m just an incredibly poor user of time… probably more the latter.

But anyway I’m here now, I’m back and it feels good. And I have so much to say … since I last wrote pre Xmas I’ve moved house twice, I’ve moved areas, I’ve started a new job and actually have quite a significantly different lifestyle…. all to follow… I also had Covid much worse than ever anticipated and it stole my stamina – damn Covid!

And all these big life events have been in line with my guiding principles for Chapter 4 – happenstance and sustainability – more so than I could ever have imagined. Putting this out to the universe as my mantra, whether overtly or subtly, seems to have worked.. and I’ve been riding the wave of happenstance… Maybe I need to try a similar approach to my manhunt ( I use the phrase colloquially rather than in a life threatening way)!

So you may be wondering what bought me back…. in a word superstition. You know when you say to yourself … something like ‘if I choose the correct key from all these for the padlock….. then its good luck for all my life’ , and then when it doesn’t work first time I tend to add on something like, ‘well I’d started to unlock this before I said that’ or I’ve got 3 chances’ or ‘don’t be so stupid’ … but I still do regularly make up such things – curses / spells whatever you want to call it ..

And todays’ superstitious spell / phrase / was as simple as ‘if you don’t do it today you never will!’ and somehow it worked. Humans are such contrary things – or is it just me!

PS the sunset has no real connection to this theme – but I feel in love with it

‘

Lets start in the middle (few ever said)

So here I am middle aged, and I find myself between jobs, between houses and potentially between lives …
Scary, liberating, confusing, exciting, a myriad of emotions and thoughts, and for someone with an overactive and uber creative mind the opportunities are infinite. Well, perhaps slightly curtailed by my energy levels, and my own, others and society’s perceptions of what a 56 year old single women should / should not do. In practice I find my mind is more adventurous in the mornings when I’m likely to consider catching a plane somewhere on a whim, then by the evening putting on my slippers and pjs and simple home comforts are much more appealing.
I was going to say this was never in my life plan, but I rarely plan, I’ve certainly never had a life plan. I am not sure I ever really considered it, I find thinking too far ahead bizarrely scary and as I’ve aged I’ve realized the true futility of planning as life events are bigger than any SMART plan I may have been advised to make or considered writing. Reflecting though there have been decision points in the last year where I could have opted for another less transformational or less extreme choice, but I chose not to. I’ve lived most of the last year driven by the stress ‘flight’ response, occasionally interspersed by a desire to ‘hide’ deep in the duvets on my bed; against this emotional backdrop I was not well placed for moderated or considered responses. And I suppose even before this year I would occasionally mutter under my breath that I needed a bit more adventure or that I would regret it if I stayed in this well-paying and enjoyable (am I crazy) but exceedingly long hours (I couldn’t continue to work 50- 60 hours) job – until I retired.
But I did not make a conscious plan for so much simultaneous change, and I don’t have a plan yet for a way out.
Feeling stymied by choices and indecision I’ve decided to live this part of my life, which I’m calling Chapter 4 (more to follow) along two principles; one is happenstance (as this has governed most of my life so far) and the other is sustainability (again much more to follow).